This is a question I’m going to have to prepare myself for when Rae gets older. There’s going to be days like Fathers Day and the Dads race on sports day at school (do they still do this??) when Rae might feel left out or upset, but hopefully I’ll raise her so that’s she’s strong enough to understand why I did this alone and I’ll do my utmost to make sure she doesn’t feel like she has anything missing in her life. Rae has 3 Uncles and a Grandad who adore her and are great male role models in her life. And maybe I’ll meet a man who I’ll feel is good enough to join us in our family.
Here’s a tip for single female adopters: don’t tell boys you’ve adopted alone when you first meet them, because what they hear is ‘I’m desperately looking for a Dad for my baby’, which we obviously are not, otherwise it would defeat the whole point of adopting alone. My friends tell me I shouldn’t tell them at all but I’m not embarrassed or ashamed about it, although maybe I’ll save it for the 2nd date!
I’d like to think I’m a pretty strong and independent person and I certainly don’t need a man to complete me. There’s a big difference between needing a man in my life and wanting a man in my life. I have a friend who openly admits that she can’t be on her own and subsequently goes from one failed relationship to another. I truly believe that you have to be happy within yourself before you can be happy with someone else. Why expect someone else to love you if you don’t even like yourself? I’m not saying I stand in front of the mirror like ‘Seriously girl, you are HOT’, what I mean is I’m happy with my life as a whole and who I am. I have great family and friends, I love my house and have a job I enjoy, and now I have Rae who just makes me a better person. So you can understand why I’m reluctant to let just anyone into my life.
I got married quite young and it obviously didn’t work out. While I have no regrets about getting married we were definitely too young for that type of responsibility, but at 21 you think you have life sussed and no one can tell you otherwise. I remember when my younger brother turned 21 and he just seemed so young, I said to my Mum ‘why didn’t you stop me?!’ To which she replied ‘would you have listened if I tried?’ And the answer is probably not. Since then I can count on one hand the amount of men I’ve met that I could see some sort of future with, but for one reason or another it didn’t work out, which led me to look at adopting. I also got told ‘But you’re still young, you have plenty of time to find a man’ quite often. But what if I don’t? I wanted to be a mum now, not in five or ten years, and even then what if it didn’t happen for me. These are all things I had to consider which led me to where I am today.
Another question I’m very likely to get asked is ‘Why didn’t they want me?’. Rae’s birth parents did want to keep her but the decision was made by social services that she should be put up for adoption. I’ve been given enough information about the history and background that I will hopefully be able to answer Rae when she’s old enough to understand.
The birth parents asked to meet me. The social workers encouraged this but I just couldn’t do it. They said I would be able to tell Rae more about them when she was older. Call me a coward but I was scared. The thought of walking in to the room and coming face to face with them petrified me. I understand their need to meet me, if their intentions were genuine, but I didn’t want to feel sorry for them, or alternatively not like them. When Rae asks about them I don’t want my opinions to influence hers.
So for now it’s just me and my little girl, and that’s all we need.