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I love you too much

How has it been 7 months since my last post?! Last time I wrote I was on my way to a stress free, sunny break with my friends…..It didn’t quite work out as planned after arriving at half 10 at night to find our hotel had cancelled our rooms and were now fully booked, I had my bag stolen, containing all my money, on the first night, and the sun barely came out, but apart from that we had a great time!

There’s been a lot happening in my life since I last wrote. I’d been told in August that there was a chance of redundancies at my work, but that they were hopeful it wouldn’t happen, and if it did we would be in a job until the end of December. In October I got asked to come in for a meeting and was told I was being made redundant and could leave that day. Even though we’d been warned about it it still shocked me and I was suddenly jobless. Because we’d been led to believe redundancies were the last option and that there was a good chance it wouldn’t come to that, I hadn’t even started looking for another job. Being the only source of income in my house I obviously panicked. I went for a couple of interviews but wasn’t successful. Then a friend I used to work with contacted me on Facebook and said she had something for me but it wouldn’t start until January. My redundancy pay was enough that I could live comfortably for a couple of months, taking me through Christmas and New Year, so I started my new job at exactly the right time. My new job was a lot better paid than my previous one so I made a spontaneous decision to move house. Nine days after putting my house up for sale I accepted an offer (thank god it didn’t take longer because keeping my house clean and tidy, with a 3 year old, for the 10 viewings I had was ridiculously tiring). Four weeks later I found my perfect house. I needed more space as my new job meant working from home a lot and my current house doesn’t have a dining area. And because I like a challenge, I’ve gone from one extreme to another and bought a 4 bed, 2 bath house that not only has a dining room but a kitchen diner too, so I have mountains of space, and I can decorate every room to exactly how I want it. I’m due to move in any day now and I can’t wait to get started (I may live to regret wanting to decorate every room but I’ve already decorated it all in my head and I’m on a mission to do it now).

Rae has turned three since my last post and I’ve learnt a lot from having a three year old:

  • It gets easier. Hahahahahahahaha only joking.
  • Potty training is without a doubt the worst part of parenting. For me anyway. Just when I think we’re getting somewhere she proves me wrong. I’m out of ideas on how to solve this one.
  • I love the dummy. I didn’t appreciate the dummy enough when it was around. Getting rid of Rae’s was a bit of a fluke. She had some sort of virus back in February which gave her ulcers on her tongue, and it hurt her to put the dummy in her mouth so I told her the dummy was being nasty and we threw them away. It was that easy. I had worried so much about getting rid of it but I think she asked for it a total of 4 times within the week afterwards and has never mentioned it again. Her speech has improved so much since she’s been dummy free. The downside though is that instead of falling asleep while I read to her, she now messes around at bedtime because she doesn’t have the dummy to soothe her. She will try everything. She needs a wee, she needs a poo (she doesn’t need either), she needs her blanky (she doesn’t have a blanky), she shouts Mummy over and over and when that doesn’t work she’ll start shouting Lucy down the stairs, she needs a drink (you’ve never seen anyone drink the thimble sized cup of water so slow), and a personal favourite is the ‘I can’t breathe’ line. Honestly, her performance is Oscar worthy. When I do lie with her she kisses me all over my face and repeats “I just love you too much Mummy” over and over. That one I let her get away with.
  • If silent swearing was an Olympic sport I’d definitely be a contender for gold.
  • They have, and will continue to have, a better wardrobe than you.
  • They are barefaced liars. I can watch Rae draw crayon across my TV, and when I pull her up on it she will adamantly deny it, and convincingly so. If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes I’d believe her.
  • You’ll often wonder if your child has a hearing problem. They haven’t. They are just ignoring you.
  • They are your best friend. No competition.

I was actually due to move in two weeks ago but as nothing ever runs smoothly when you’re moving house it hasn’t happened yet. I couldn’t stand living in my house as it is completely boxed up so I moved in with my sister for ‘one or two nights’ and am still here a week later (and probably for the next week too). I didn’t appreciate the effect this would have on Rae but it’s actually really unsettled her. Yesterday she cried that she wanted to go home and it broke my heart. She obviously doesn’t understand the concept of moving home and I’ve taken her from her routine and the only home she can remember. There’s been times when she’s woken up in the night and when I’ve gone in to see her she’s just said “I don’t want to move house” so it’s obviously playing on her mind. This last weekend in particular she’s been misbehaving quite a lot and we have gone completely backwards with the potty training. Two days ago she had six wee accidents at nursery, all in the afternoon, which I think is the most she’s ever had. I was at my wits end and told her I was putting her back in nappies. I know what you’re thinking – don’t go backwards – but I’ve tried everything. Reward charts, special toilet paper, promise of treats, bribery and it’s not that she can’t do it, she just doesn’t want to. She had a party to go to on a Saturday and after I told her on the Wednesday before that if she had any accidents she couldn’t go, surprise surprise she didn’t have any more accidents that week. I wasn’t serious about putting her back into nappies, I thought she’d be so horrified by it that it would stop her having accidents. It didn’t. On the way to pick her up yesterday a boy walked into the road in front of my car and I had to do an emergency stop, skidding into the other side of the road to avoid hitting him, so I was a bit shook up by the time I got to nursery. The nappy threat hadn’t worked and then I was told she’d been grabbing children by their cheek, six children to be exact, and add to that the stress of this house move and it pushed me over the edge. I was mortified she’d hurt other children because that’s not something she normally does. She knew she’d done wrong because she wouldn’t come over to me, and when she eventually did she kept hiding behind a nursery nurses legs. I couldn’t even talk to her all the way home because I didn’t trust myself not to scream. I got her home, sat her on the sofa and told her her behaviour was completely unacceptable, she wasn’t allowed to play in the garden before tea, and she would be going to bed straight after her bath. Unsurprisingly she didn’t argue with me. She’s been warned that the same will happen tonight if I don’t get a glowing report from nursery when I pick her up today. So yesterday I was full of mum guilt, stress and felt like a complete failure. And yes there were tears. But then I watched a programme called “Little Boy Blue”, a dramatisation of the murder of an 11 year old boy called Rhys Jones, who was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and it put everything into perspective for me. I sobbed all the way through the programme, my heart breaking for his parents. They would give anything to have their boy back. I’m sure they’d take the potty training and the tantrums all day, every day if it meant that they could have him back in their lives. My problems pale in comparison.

So Rae, even though you drive me insane and I’m pretty sure if I didn’t dye my hair I’d be fully grey by now, I love you too much too xxxxxxxxxxx


*Update – she was sent to bed straight after her bath again tonight. Make of that what you will.


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